Friday, November 30, 2012

Seasons Change

It has been a while since I've written about Ronan, but he is on my mind a lot these days. There is a whispering of a milestone coming, shortly after Christmas, that will mark a time on this clock of grief that I never envisioned hitting.

Five whole years.

And the realization of the time that's past sits really heavy with me right now. How did time march on when five years ago I willed the earth to stop, pause, and acknowledge that the world lost a precious boy. Time has indeed moved on, with other children, other distractions. As we creep closer to this date it makes me the most sad that he is but an afterthought now, a preface to a story that eventually had a happy ending. He has lost all impact or meaning to everyone other than me and P. But he was special. A boy who taught us to love the way we do now has to be so very special.

I miss you every day of my life. I wanted you so much. Please never forget that.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

As Time Goes By

And then he was 1!

He loves to eat. My 7lb 5oz nugget is now 23lbs 7 oz and almost 30 inches tall.
He decided last week he wanted to walk, and now he's all over the place. I never had to baby proof a house before, but now it is a necessity, as he is uber curious and into everything.
He laughs and smiles all the time. He talks as he walks, and 'sings' to Super Why and Elmo's World.
He and his sister have an interesting dynamic. When she acts like a typical big sister he has learned to pull her hair. I look forward to what this will look like in 3 years when she's 6 and he's 3 (say a prayer).
He is s true mama's boy, and when he's hurt, scared, lonely, happy, or any other emotion, he looks for me, sighs contently when I pick him up, and places his head happily against my chest.

I am so grateful for him---for showing me my heart could love again.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy....

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

What We Keep


I have learned a lot about grief, and have really come to appreciate how people grieve loss. Loss of a parent, a sister, a friend, a spouse, a child. It's all different--special, unique, a beautiful, horrible, knee-buckling, gut-wrenching--life changing series of feelings that changes with the seasons.

A girl from my hometown had a son.
( know this is not a happy tale).
He was young, 15-16, and his best friend had died tragically in a car accident. And the grief he felt was too much for his poor heart and soul. They found him back in the woods behind his house. He had taken his own life.

You can't begin to fathom the pain that his family felt upon hearing the news. It's horrible to lose a child, but to lose a child to suicide. All you can do is bow your head and the heaviness of it, the pure white pain that it must be. As a mother to hear of it, her eyes must have squinted to the horror of it, and the guilt that ultimately comes because you could not protect him. You should have known. How could you have not known?!?!

But then there is the grief that manifests into something more--a calling, a mission. Perhaps it's a hobby, or a distraction. Most times it's a genuine need to find justice or understanding for something that defies logic. So what happens when the mission is to prove that your son didn't commit suicide, even though all the evidence points that he did? (texts to friends, FB posts, all showing depression and suicidal thoughts)

What do you tend to think about this poor, grieving mother?

Is she not well? Delusional? In need of therapy? Out of touch with reality?

How easy is it for people to categorize things that they have no concept of....

I chided my father today. Told to tread lightly with this woman as she lashes out at everyone in her path, calling names to the living people around her and the investigation to fiercely protect the memory of her dead son.

It's all she has. And it's what she keeps.

What do you keep?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Plague and Pestilence

2012 has been filled with death, ya'll.

It started with my co-worker who committed suicide in April, and then two friends from high school I knew pretty well died from cervical cancer. Then my great-aunt had a secret brain tumor and didn't tell a soul until it pressed on her brain stem, causing her to bleed profusely, leading those who found her to think she had been attacked in her home. Then P's aunt was looking at her computer like usual one Friday morning and had what we believe to be a massive heart attack. Two weeks later, her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer--he's still hanging on. One of my high school friend's father finally passed after a two year battle with prostate cancer, and just yesterday my uncle has been diagnosed with intestinal cancer.

Cancer and death. Seems like a common theme, no? We are getting to the point we don't want to answer the goddamn phone for fear someone else has dropped dead or is about to undergo chemo.

And I fell in May, and finally had an MRI on Monday. My orthopedic surgeon thinks I have torn something in my knee. Praying it's only the meniscus as that seems to be an easier surgery, I hear. I was about to pass out from fear as I walked into the MRI room as we don't have a good track record in the family for MRIs detecting something that isn't life-altering. I get my news on Friday. Say a prayer, ya'll---pray that this bad mojo is fading as we are creeping into 2013....