Friday, September 14, 2012

Statistically Speaking...

We kick around statistics of death so very often. Stillbirth 1:110 chance it will happen to you. Breast cancer 1 in 3 women of a certain age will be diagnosed...

I am engulfed with the number 2 today.
Two women I grew up with have passed away in the last six months from cervical cancer. One of them passed last night...
Two of the nicest women I have ever met.
Two of the happiest women I have met.
Two that left behind scores of people mourning their loss. How can they have only lived for 37 years?? It doesn't seem right.

Monday, September 10, 2012

In The Land of Make Believe...

I am alright.

In reality, I am dealing with some serious life issues, and feel at a loss of who to talk to.

Everyone wears these protective masks that hide the frustrations, the pain, the self-loathing (including me). I have no idea who has been there, done that so I can ask them 'is it just me...?'

My best friends are rightfully so entwined in their own worlds, with their own careers, their own children, their own problems...I can't really recall the last time I have heard their actual voices.

I really feel alone most days.
Maybe we all are in the end....

Thursday, September 6, 2012


There comes a time in your life when you find out something that you believed in deeply, worked hard for, invested time/money/emotion in was just a flat out lie--or a red herring for something political above or around you. It's akin to the pollsters, or political lackeys who work so damn hard because they believe in the hype or message their candidates are preaching. Then before election day, come to find out their candidate was someone else altogether, and the discovery of that fact really shatters their trust in anyone.

When I was younger, this above scenario happened a lot to me. I believed in people at face value quite a bit, almost to the point of piety. Somehow I felt that I was not the type of person someone should lie to, because I was nice or made an effort to relate or believe. I learned to guard myself well over the years, learned to read people better. The devastations are down to mere disappointments. It's a far better way to live.

When we moved from San Antonio, we were told that we were having a reorganization. We were going to save the mission! Save research! Focus our efforts! Get our name out there! Be recognized! Be appreciated! Get support! And for almost a year and a half, it was our dogma. My team, and the other divisions got on board. Believed! Held revivals! Told their friends! Made the T-shirts!

Then my boss retired, and left us vulnerable. We knew we were vulnerable. But it was worse than him just leaving us vulnerable. Much worse.

It was like the prophet left, and his brother was left in charge. His brother promised he believed, but in reality, he had other intentions. We put all the effort in, manned the compound, harvested the crops, spread the word, made more t-shirts and then the brother called a meeting and said that he was changing direction. But not {really}. But, yes---really. In the end, the gospel is different. So very different.

I am more than disappointed this go-round. I am mad at myself for drinking the Kool-Aid. Mad that I believed in something was was bigger than me, and mad that I did not see see the political chess in my tea leaves. I had too much trust in this new change, and I am not sure why. That's the part that bugs the hell out of me. Why did I trust it so? Why did I believe in it?

Because I wanted it to be. I wanted the change. It was good. It was right. It had a chance to be something beautiful. And I was proud to be in it.

Now that it has essentially been taken from us, this drive that motivated me to work 50 hours a week, tend to the fires, be the beacon of the gospel, is gone. It died. And I don't know where that leaves me in the grand scheme of things.

I don't trust the new prophet that the brother is touting. I don't trust the brother when he claims to still have our best interests in mind. I don't trust anything anymore.

My passion is back to being a job. Just a job. That makes me so very sad---