Friday, July 20, 2012

An American Horror Story

There are not enough words to describe how I feel about mass violence. It is so enraging, so overwhelmingly God awful. From the Virginia Tech massacre, 9/11, the dumb fuck who gunned down Giffords and other innocents at a stinkin supermarket in Arizona, Columbine--it's just too much.

There is a personal place in hell for these kinds of sick fucks who kill innocents for their 'greater cause'.

Thinking of those poor people in Colorado. Wishing the world was less messed up...

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Death Becomes Her

Tonight, I read Angie's post, and it reminded me of those who walked away, but still linger....and it was a bitter pill to swallow.

I have ghosts that surround me and haunt me. They are slight visions of the former friends that abandoned me in my hour of need. There are times I feel I should forgive them, but then I remind myself of the countless times I stood there by them...when marriages were disintegrating, when jobs where lost, when dreams were squashed. I judge them harshly. But not as harshly as I judge myself for hoping and wishing years later that they would have stayed.

I am also reminded of those that know me IRL. Those who found this place primarily as a rubbernecker, who heard about the 'crash' when my son died and wanted to see how bad the recovery would be. Did I disappoint you when I didn't drown? Or were you rooting for me?

Since you remained silent all these years, I guess I'll never know---

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Dark Shadows

If I had known that extremely stressful and angry situations would set off my memory banks to fly bullets at my head about loss, and grief, and all the ooginess that is kept tightly sealed in a box I call Pan Dora, then I would have switched careers.

I got mad on Friday. Not the funny, stressful mad I get when I have 500 things lobbed at my head, but downright enraged. I can say that I haven't been that mad in a long, long time. My voice lowered a few octaves, my hands were clenched, and I seriously thought I could hurt somebody.

I don't know if the extreme emotion has unleashed all the repressed extreme emotions from my past, but its been a nonstop trip down psychotic memory lane this weekend. I am assuming PTSD works in a similar manner, but instead of war scenes being replayed its all the Ronan memories that slay me dead again and again.

I don't know how much more insanity I can take from my job. I go at mach speed every day. Something has got to give....