Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Higher Ground

The baby was fine. Just a lot higher than where dipshit Doc was looking. I told her I thought my uterus was a lot higher than it usually is at this time and she scoffed and said I was wrong. The u/s tech started low and ended a few inches from my belly button.

"Wow, you're higher than most women are at this age" she said.

Hmph.

And there he (they think it's a he) was hanging out.

I moved my appointments to Monday or Wednesdays, to make sure an U/s tech is available until this baby gets big enough that you can hear the heartbeat. I also made sure never to see that particular OB again.

I am freaking exhausted. With the bleeding and the nausea/wanting to die side effects from the progesterone and the fucktard doctors deciding to be morons with an evil doppler.

It makes me appreciate the simplistic views of pregnancy from the olden days. Just let the baby be. Whatever happens, happens. So help me God.

Amen.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Doppler Effects

Went for my normal 14 week appointment today. New doc. Asked a million questions. She gave a blow-by-blow about when I would go off the progesterone, when I would get my level 2 ultrasounds, how many NSTs I would have, how many more follow-ups I would have. Yada Yada Yada.

Then at the very end she pulls out the dreaded doppler.

The doppler and me are not friends. The window to start using it on a skinny girl is around 12-14 weeks. A plus-sized girl, usually around 17-18 weeks if you're lucky.

She tried in vain. 4-5 times. She couldn't find the heartbeat. I knew she wouldn't find it.

"It doesn't mean there is something wrong," she assured. I just shrugged. Numb.

"I can schedule an ultrasound for peace of mind, but I can't get you in until tomorrow"

"Tomorrow is fine," I said. Numb.

She continued on with wanting to see me in 4 weeks, like nothing is possibly wrong.

I don't remember much after that. It's cold and dreary here, and I sat in my car and called P. Told him I was ok, but that the doc couldn't find the heartbeat. He was quiet. I told him it was early. It could be nothing.

And in my heart of hearts it feels different than with Ronan. I don't feel a sense of dread. I don't think that this baby is gone yet.

I hope, anyway.....

{Sigh}

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

NT Screen

"Results are within normal ranges for maternal and gestational age"

The news didn't send relief flooding through me like I thought it would. Detachment is such a bizarre feeling.

I don't really want to be this way, but I don't really know how else to be.

Pregnancy is no longer a wondrous thing. And I am so jealous of the women walking around who have that look of bewilderment and awe with round bellies.

Sigh....