Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I want my MTV

I am addicted to 16 and Pregnant.

Don't ask me why. There is no real reason I watch these shows, and the closest excuse I can muster is that I am addicted to teenaged drama. Waxing nostalgic? Hardly. I secretly say a Hail Mary that I was a geek, pretty level-headed and had no chance to go through any of this drama myself.

That being said, one of the youngin's who was knocked up decided, with the support of her very much in love BF, to give the baby up for adoption. They were 16. They were poor. They wanted more for their daughter.

I haven't cried this hard in a long time. I felt fucking awful for these kids---who obviously loved each other and their baby--who made such a selfless choice to give their daughter a fighting chance for more. The young father cried hysterically when his girlfriend was pushing. I am sure he was counting the seconds and knew that as soon as the baby came, she would be gone. The planning, the preparing, the mental pep-talks didn't soften any blows once they heard that baby scream.

Reality is such a bitch, no?

It made me remember the 17 hours I had to mentally prepare for Ronan's birth. The mental pep talks, the reassurance that I could do it. The tears, tears, and more tears. But when it came to push, and he was out, born silent---reality really set in. And that was the worst part of it all---having to live in this pseudo messed up reality.

Catelynn also lost her baby. Although her baby is alive and growing with another family, she lost her ability to see her grow, and she will have to carry that loss with her for the rest of her life.

That's a bitter pill for anyone to swallow---let alone someone who is only 16.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Pink Post-It Notes

I have been going through motions for a few weeks now. Not really in the pit. Not really happy. Just sitting with the day-to-day.

I have had a few friends who have recently had babies. My best friend had a precious baby girl. A girl I went to high school with delivered strapping twin boys a couple of days ago, and my friend H gave birth to a gigantic baby boy (9lbs 4oz!) a few weeks ago. When Radha was born, H held her a few days afterwards, crying tears mixed with my joy and her loss. I promised myself that when her son was born, he would be the first infant boy that I would hold.

He slept quietly in my arms, long fingers stretching out in an imaginary dream. His jaw was chiseled like his father. He will be tall just like him, I imagine. H looked so beautiful holding him.

I know many, many, many, many, many, many of you are waiting for your dreams babies. My friend K is also waiting. She is on strict bed rest with 'mild pre-eclampsia'. She is 32 weeks and she has had 5 early losses. We are praying that the 6th time is a charm.

I have her name and your names on a pink Post-It tacked next to my desk. I don't even know some of your real names, but I have your blog names written down. Every night I say a prayer and add "come home safely wee ones".

Come home safely wee ones....

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


As the blue balloons climbed up to the heavens, I imagined you catching every one of them. Happy Birthday, my sweet boy...