Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for you all and wish you a great holiday!

Friday, November 20, 2009

100% Chance of Rain

The memories are starting to come to me during the hour commute to and from work....My soul knows it before my mind recognizes it.

The coming storm. The anniversary.

Even with all the weather warnings, I cannot escape from it's path. I cannot hop in a car, drive safely inland, and watch the news unfold on the ticker from afar, safely nestled away.

I have to board up the windows of my home, make sure I have enough water and supplies, and pray that it is not too devastating. I pray for a tropical storm.

I beg for no Katrina.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Angels Watching Over Me

About a week after I saw my doctor who confirmed I was pregnant with Radha, I boarded a plane for a conference in Boston. I remember asking him what I do if I start to miscarry on my trip. He stared at me, and scolded me for not being more positive.

"I need practical advice. You can be positive, I need to know what to do if I start to bleed," I said firmly.

He sighed, and instructed me to go tp the local ER if that happened.

I spent a few days, walking around Boston, really trying to grasp what I was about to get myself into. The worry was already palpable. I was remembering my deal with God---if it is not meant to be, let it come early. No stillbirth this time. I made a million trips to the bathroom, checking.

On Thursday, Peyton flew out to meet me. We were going to spend a few days in Rhode Island and in Maine. We walked around the Swan Point Cemetery looking for H.P Lovecraft's grave (Peyton is a fan). It was a dreary, overcast kind of day, and there weren't many people around the property. We snapped a few pictures of the flowers. It was a wonderfully peaceful place.

This particular statue resonated with me. The Nightingale Angel. A turn-of-the-century art piece symbolizing the angels that are watching over the children. And there were so many children with the same birth and death dates. So many children....
And when I walked around that cemetery, I wondered if the child I was carrying would make it. The angel haunted my dreams for many, many months after we left Rhode Island.

I think about taking this journey again, and how insane it would be. I am an only child, and I did not like being an only child. My parents were not doting (in the least), but it has made me the person I am now. I make friends pretty easily, and I have some very good friends that have been with me since I was a wee child.

But I have to tell you that as I sat around my friends' dinner table when I was a kid, I found myself quite envious. Of the dinner table. Of family. Of sister/brother; sister/sister; brother/brother interactions. Deep down I wanted someone to get me like that, and share my history from as long as they could remember. I wanted funny, humiliating stories shared about me when people were visiting. I wanted to laugh so hard about a memory from childhood that my sides ached. As good as my friends were, I still had leave them to go home to my lonely house.

I feel that I owe Radha the chance to have that. But then I worry that she will be angry that she is not the only. That her parent's attention is split. How many people wished that they were only children?!?!

I know that if we cannot have any more, for whatever reason, she will be ok.

The question is, will I be ok? If I can. If I cannot. Am I ready to have this internal battle again? The daily demons, the fear, the loathing, the high blood pressure, the 10+ anatomy scans.....all of it?

I don't know yet. Do you ever really know for sure?