We took Spencer to the vet for like 300 things today. After more than an hour of waiting and watching our dog being poked and bled, I was at the front trying to write the gargantuan check when the receptionist asked a woman with 2 chihuahuas to move over to the other side of the room. Soon after, an older hispanic man came out with a blue tarp covering his rather large dog that he had just put down. He was old, his best friend, and he wanted to take him back home and bury him.
My hands shook while I wrote the check. It was a sad way to end an already completely shitty day in the pit.
My cyber friend delivers her fatally diagnosed baby tomorrow. If ya'll are praying folk, pray for her strength. No woman should have to go through this 2X in 8 months.
I played with an 11 week old mini wiener dog today. I should have been giddy and happy. Instead I was marveling about the tiny creature. A baby. No bigger than my hands. And after she left, I felt really sad.
Random thoughts flew back into my head. My skin was starting to burn, a feeling that I had when I left the hospital after delivering Ronan. Hormones. Flying high again.
I need to write thank you notes to the nurses who helped us deliver Ronan, but every time I begin to think about what to say, I am near hysterics. How do you verbalize the kindness of 4 women who stepped up in a way that only women can in this situation?
Victoria who snuck us food from the doctor's lounge that first night, Tonnya who was there when my labor started and was pushing demerol as fast as humanly possible, trying to get me to hang on while I was whimpering and begging for someone to kill me to put me out of my misery. When I was in my drug induced state, half in and out of consciousness, Tonnya hugged my head when her shift was up and said that I could do this. God didn't give me any more than I could handle. Valerie, who was my silent-as-a mouse overnight nurse, came in when my epidural was placed and came in every hour to monitor my contractions and bp. She snuck in one time around 2 am, and I just stared at her quietly, my eyes vacant and my expression numb. She looked at me with so much tenderness and whispered softly, "it should be very soon now". I nodded, crying silent tears. She then proceeded to clean me up to prepare for Ronan's arrival. She hung around until he arrived, even though he was delivered during a shift change. Jennifer took over for her. She carried Ronan to another room to bathe, weigh, footprint and swadle him. She went with me to the bathroom for the first time after I gave birth, and she cleaned me up. I held on to her strong shoulders as she got me situated with the pads, disposable underwear and clean gown. I remember being completely numb as she explained the physical changes that I was going to go through. She said I looked pretty good. I should heal quickly. This would be but a horrible memory. Later on, she took Peyton by the shoulders and gave him the strength to care for me when I was already on another ward, away from the lullabies that played softly when a living baby arrived...
3 months. Some days it feels like it just happened....